Alice. (dulcetwonder) wrote in impero_rpg,
Alice.
dulcetwonder
impero_rpg

What now?

Who: James, Sirius
Where: Somewhere between the Heads Dorm and Gryffindor Tower
When: NOW! Saturday. =)

Pulling a hand through his hair, James got off of his bed, and slipped into his shoes. It was very imperative that he talked to Sirius. Before things got much more serious with Lily. He had to make sure that Sirius was.. okay. James knew that Sirius had spoken to Lily. She had said as much. But he didn't know why. James would have figured this as a prime opportunity for Sirius to keep him all to himself. James almost thought it was going to end up that way too.

Until Sirius spoke with Lily.

Confused, James set out from his room and dorm, casting a nervous glance towards Lily's room. He didn't know what was going to happen. But he was going to make sure that it wasn't something he would regret later.

They were just going to talk, was all. That's all. James felt a sort of emptiness in his stomach as he traversed the halls towards Gryffindor Tower where he expected Sirius to be.
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With a heavy sigh, Sirius knew that James was about to find him. It was inevitable, and Sirius supposed that they did have to talk, and make things right, or whatever it was that they had to do. But it wasn't going to be easy. This sort of thing was never easy.

Still, he ran through the things that he was going to say to James, providing some sort of explanation for his actions. Would James just accept it? He didn't want everything to be ruined. It seemed easy enough to understand. Sirius didn't want their lives ruined, so he did something about it. In his head it sounded flimsy, but he couldn't think of anything else to add without sounding like a complete wanker. Sirius ran through the lines in his head as he clambered through the portrait hole, pulling a mirror out of his pocket and speaking into it.

"So, where are you?" he asked quietly, keeping himself reserved and pretending that this wasn't as important as anyone thought it was. It wasn't a big deal. He was just meeting James and they were going to talk and then nothing else would happen. At all. Sirius sighed and shook his head.
When he heard Sirius's voice coming from the mirror, James practically jumped. He had forgotten all about it. It was just stuffed in his pocket, and he hardly ever thought about it. Scrambling for the piece of glass, James brought it out and to his face. "Third floor. Headed to the fourth now. Meet you by the fifth floor stairs." He said slowly.

This was it. They were finally going to talk. James hadn't spoken much to Sirius since.. that night. The night he told Lily. Since then it'd been nothing of real substance between the two.
"Watch out around the fourth floor," Sirius quickly warned the mirror with a cringe in his voice. He wasn't about to elaborate, but he knew James wouldn't ask. It had been an accident, anyway. Sliding the mirror into his pocket, he changed his direction, making his way down a staircase and then swiftly moving down a different corridor, ignoring portraits as they whispered when he walked by.

Sirius had no idea of what he was going to say. There was too much that had gone on, wasn't there? What could he have said? Walking down another staircase, he stopped at the foot and sat down. This was where they were meeting. There was nothing he could do but wait, crossing his arms over his knees and tapping his foot, just so that he had something to do.
James blinked. Watch the fourth floor? What had he done? And without him? James shook his head, and made his way to their arranged meeting place. As he approached he noticed Sirius sitting on the stairs. "Padfoot," He called out in a small voice.

Sliding the mirror back in his pocket, James ruffled his hair, standing quite a ways from the other boy. "Hi," He called out across the distance between them. What else was there to say, really?
Looking up, Sirius smiled a bit and reclined back on the stairs, leaning back on his elbows casually. "Hi," he replied, the first and only thing coming to mind. There he was, looking so much better than he had in some time, and Sirius knew that it was because he was happy again, and he knew that it was a good thing and that this was so much better than how it was before, but it still hurt Sirius slightly to see it. James didn't need him as much anymore. Acknowledging the stairs, Sirius shrugged a bit. "You can sit down," he said, pushing over slightly and praying that it wouldn't be as awkward. "They're not infected."
Frowning, James considered the stairs before him. "Are you sure?" He asked warily. They seem to be a bit poisonous. I mean, you are sitting on them, after all." He looked up at the boy, a slow smile spreading across his face.

"But I might as well take my chances," James nodded solemnly, walking towards the stairs and sitting down right next to Sirius. He too leaned back, dropped his head on one of the stairs, looking up towards the ceiling. "Well, here we are." He said, not sure what else to say.
Rolling his eyes, Sirius smirked as James sat down. "Ha ha, now you're diseased," he said, returning the smile and then looking straight ahead. What was he supposed to say? James was the one that wanted to talk to him. "Yes," he agreed, his mind blanking.
Sirius looked so sad that James wanted to reach out and hold him. In fact, his arm was half lifted when he recalled just why he couldn't do that. He let it drop, staring at the offending limb. This was so hard. He just.. things could have worked out so wonderfully.. had he handled things better. He was sure of it.

"Sirius." James started, frowning at the ceiling. "Lily and I are together again." He stated, as if the boy didn't know. Well, he might not have, because James hadn't specifically said anything about it to anyone. It wasn't any of their business, to be honest.
Sirius nodded his head, making sure to look away from James. Anywhere else would have worked. The floor, the ceiling, the painting that was staring at them awkwardly..Anywhere. "I know," he assured, guessing by James's appearance and recent mannerisms that things were better. "I'm glad," he added carefully, the inflection in his voice changing to politely congratulatory and he smiled weakly. "About time."
James sat up properly, clasping his hands in his lap. "Sirius," He started, but then paused. Where did he want to take this? It was important to him to know.. but Sirius might not want to talk about it. And if James stayed here too long, around him with no one else about, he might.. No. No, he couldn't.

"Why did you talk to her?" Finally came out in a weak voice. James figured he might as well start with the big question.
His teeth clenching, unable to really know how to answer, Sirius lay back against the staircase and clasped his hands over his stomach, finally looking over at James. He had never felt so awkward around his best mate. It was unsettling. "Because I needed to," he replied honestly, looking into James's eyes past his glasses unwaveringly. "I couldn't leave you so broken and dead like that, could I?"
James kept his gaze for about a minute before looking away. "Sirius... why, though? You could have had me to yourself," He looked up at the boy again, his eyes bright. "Don't pretend like you haven't thought about it before. It could have been like last year," He shrugged a little helplessly.

"I love you, you know that?" James whispered. "And I love her. I.. understand that I need to be with her. I just want to know why? Is there someone else? Did you stop loving me? I can't go on being happy, Padfoot, unless I know." He was being selfish again, but it was important to him.
"Sure, could have been like last year," Sirius said with a derisive snort. "Continually distracting you from Lily, right. Would have been great." He shook his head and bit back any harshness that he might have said. "You never have stopped loving her, and you never would have. There was no point anymore, you great prat."

Looking over warily, Sirius let out a sigh. How could he have explained this? "Shut up, Prongs," he said, closing his eyes and bringing a hand to his temple. "I didn't want to see you so stupidly unhappy anymore. There is no one else. And no, I have not stopped." He brought his hand down. "Not everyone is as self-absorbed as you are," he said jokingly, a slight smirk playing on his lips.
James wasn't sure whether to be happy or not. Or to smile, or laugh. Or anything. He felt a little empty inside. "It could have worked," He murmured quietly, more to himself than anything.

Standing up suddenly, James's eyes darted everywhere. Everywhere but at Sirius. "I guess I'll just go then."
Sirius shook his head. "No, it couldn't have," he said flatly, "we're all too greedy." He hated to answer so harshly, and especailly about something so..important to James, but there was no other way.

"You could go," Sirius said exasperatedly, standing up as well. "Or you could stop being a wanker and talk to me." He reached out a hand to the boy's forearm, just to get his attention, before letting it drop. "Please, James. It was to make you happy again."
"What makes you think I wasn't happy with you?" James accused, finally looking at him. "Who gave you the right to judge what was best for me? It should have been my choice. I never left you." James's voice trailed off into a whisper.

"Not that it matters now." He shrugged. "You made my choice for me, didn't you? I'm with Lily, now. And all she asks is that I don't sleep with you. We can still be friends. Best mates forever, yeah?" James gave him a watery look, his voice harsh, accusing.

"I just wish it could have worked out differently. I know.. I know we could have found a way. The two of us. But you gave up on it. I only needed some time..." James gave a small laugh, devoid of any mirth. "Listen to me. Trying to win you back, when I've got a girlfriend. I really should go. Before I lose her trust again."
Sirius couldn't gauge how he was feeling at the exact moment. Something maybe akin to hurt, something like anger, maybe even some form of hopelessness. He didn't want to show it, though. He couldn't show it. "What is best for you, then?" he asked, walking forward to prevent James from leaving. "Tell me, please. Tell me how that could have worked out. Tell me how you were going to pull out of that pathetic slump you were in to solve our problems," he growled harshly. It stung, the accusations and the hurt in James's voice, and Sirius wanted to do something about it but he couldn't. Not anymore. Not since he fixed the problem.

"You make it seem like I don't want you anymore," he continued, less bitter than before. "You make it seem like I just don't care anymore. You make it seem like I've never cared." Sirius stopped and looked down, losing his will bit by bit with every word. "Everything I did would be really fucking pointless if I didn't still give a damn. When she found out, when you gave up any hope of anything, I couldn't stand to see you like that," he added, still avoiding James's eye. "I did what I thought was right, and it killed me to do it, and it's killing me now to admit it to you."

Finally looking up, Sirius took a step back, and then another. "But there's nothing we can do about it anymore, is there? I can still say that I love you but there's no way to act upon it. Maybe I fucked up. I dunno anymore." Sirius stopped, raking a hand through his hair and discreetly telling himself that no, there was no wetness behind his eyes because blokes didn't do that. "You should go. We're not getting anywhere with this."
James didn't want to think about what Sirius was saying. If he cared.. why had he done this? James should have been happy to be with Lily. She was everything he wanted for a long time. It had taken him five and a half years to even realize he cared for his friend as something.. more. But she. She was always something on his mind. Always had been, and he assumed always would be.

So why did he want to make things right for Sirius? He could.. no. No. They couldn't go back to hiding around. That wasn't.. it wasn't right. And he couldn't do it. He couldn't betray Lily like that. But just.. one kiss. It wasn't a betrayal, was it? One last shared kiss between the two of them. That's all. That's all he wanted.

"Sirius," He murmured, finally looking at the boy. He looked so hurt, James couldn't help himself, as he soon found his arms wrapped around Sirius in a tight hug. "I don't want to go. I don't want to go anywhere. I want to be friends again," James murmured against Sirius's cheek. He pulled his head back to look at the other boy, directly in the eyes. "If we can't... we can't be more. I still love you," James murmured before pressing his lips to the other boy's. One last kiss. That's all.
Pulled into an embrace, James being so close again, feeling something and not just looking away anymore, all his, just for that one moment, Sirius finally lost the strength to continue fighting back his emotions. He wrapped his arms around the boy's waist, holding him close as one hand trailed up to cup the side of his face.

And then James was kissing him.

Oh. Sirius returned the kiss, feeling that it was fleeting and that it shouldn't have happened but he was glad that it did. James tasted so familliar, wrapped in his arms and it wasn't the same, it was never going to be the same and all too soon, Sirius had pulled back and was resting his head on the boy's shoulder. "We'll always be best mates," he said fiercly, and he wouldn't believe another word of it. They'd been friends for too long and nothing was going to change that. "I love you," he said, though quietly. "And I'll always love you, because I'm a sod like that." Sirius tried to ignore the wetness that was now running down the side of his face, his voice so dangerously close to breaking. "And," he added, muffled from Sirius burying his head down, "I'll always be here for you. No matter what."
James could hardly protest that Sirius was so quick to give up their kiss. Their last kiss. Ever. Instead, he just held Sirius to him, lightly rubbing his back. "I know, Sirius," He whispered, his voice slightly pained.

"And I'll be here for you," James murmured, reaching up to stroke Sirius's hair. "I'm sorry for how I've been acting," James shrugged. "I just.. I felt like you didn't care. But I shouldn't be feeling like this anymore, Sirius. I have her." He murmured, his voice dropping. "I still want you," Whispered in his ear.

Gripping him tighter, James didn't want to let go. If they let go, it really was over, and James would have to go back to Lily for good. Sirius would only be his friend. Not his boyfriend. Not anything special. But that wasn't really true, either. Sirius would always be special to James. James loved him. More than a brother. Their connection ran deep, and nothing would take that from them. Not even his love for Lily.